MacCruiskeen - Michael Gilhaney, a man nearly sixty years of age has turned halfway into a bike last night at 11:42pm, Waterford, Ireland.

"He has spent no less than thirty-five years riding his bicycle over the rocky roadsteads and up and down the hills and into the deep ditches when the road goes astray in the strain of the winter." Sergeant Pluck revealed. According to the Atomic Theory and its relationship to bicycles, those who spend most of their time on this earth riding their bicycle get their personality mixed with the personality of their bicycle.

This seems to be the case for Gilhaney. As reported by Sgt. Pluck, "[Gilhaney] is always going to a particular destination or other on his bicycle at every hour of the day or coming back from there at every other hour,"

The Third Investigator will investigate further into this case and update as soon as we can.

Anonymous - According to De Selby, the history of the Atomic Theory extends far back to the early 1700s, when bicycles weren't even called bicycles.

It primarily revolved around the fact that bicycles take on human characteristics due to an exceptionally complex exchange of atoms. This process takes place during the frequent riding of the bicycle.

Even Sergeant Pluck, a policeman with the most bizarre analogies one can encounter, who claims that "everything is composed of small particles of itself, and they are flying around in concentric circles and arcs and segments and innumerable other geometrical figures," cannot prove De Selby's theory false.

It may seem that it takes a certain level of intellect to truly understand De Selby’s seminal theory. Once one does however, the world of humans and bicycles become illuminated like never before. For instance, when you see two bicycles leaning up against each other by the oak tree on the road, you must look the other way. It is utterly discourteous and plain rude to ogle at such intimate moments. Likewise, if a bike is resting down with flat tires after being oiled to a satisfying mark, it would be absurd and unforgivable to try and take it home. Even an ass would recognize that such a bicycle would not be fit for a goofy ride.

Nevertheless, bicycles are not always the innocent party in this generous pancake called life. They have proven their scheming and cunning nature by some successful attempts to throw humans off their trail and distract them. Chief Inspector Maccruiskeen, a victim of the power and seduction of bicycles, was at one point heavily distracted from his duties by a particularly deceptive two wheeler.

"How desirable her seat was, how charming the invitation of her slim encircling handle-arms," He confesses. "how unaccountably competent and reassuring her pump resting warmly against her rear rim thigh!"

I have took time to ponder about the situation at hand. In the opinion of Joe, my own personal soul, "The gross and net result of it is that people who spent most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky road-steads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle. As an outcome of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them, you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles,"

Atomics is a very complex theorem that can be worked out with algebra and math. However, one would most likely take it by degrees because they will waste the night proving a bit of it with rulers and calculators and the likes. Consequently they wind-up not believe what has been proven at all.

Victim's home after the bombing. Photograph by YG

MacCruiskeen - A local man named Phillip Mathers, who has sparked deepening concern after his sudden disappearance 3 years ago, was found dead in a forest today not far from his home at 4:56am.

It seems to the police that the suspect bombed the man's house after killing him and stealing the well-known black cash box that Mathers used to carry around. It was revealed that Mathers was first knocked with a plump in the back of his head, then beaten to death with a spade.

After opening the box, it was unveiled that it did not contain money, but omnium; a substance that becomes anything one desires.

"I am completely half afraid to think," Doyle, a man from a neighbouring village said, "that someone who has lived between us for all these years would do something so despicable."

The incident arose suspicions between neighbours and acquaintances after having known each other for an average of 8 years.

"It did seem queer for someone who lived in poverty for the greater part of his life to be able to renovate such a farm," Klaire O'Gara declared, "people simply assumed he has spent his life savings as he is approaching death,"

The police are still following specific leads and the suspect is continuing to be investigated, hence there are no more reports as for now.